Help! I’ve lost my Assumptive World!
If you’re feeling shaky right now, it could be, that you’ve lost yours too. Without knowing it, all of us have a set of beliefs about how the world (and us in the world) work. Things like, “hard work pays off, the world is basically good, people are basically good” are like an invisible fabric operating in our lives. Most of the time these beliefs are pretty invisible to us. But when someone dies, or you experience a major health crisis, trauma, betrayal or any number of ruptures, suddenly it’s in full view. And, our beliefs, our assumptive world, is quite shattered.
And the thing is, we can’t just go out and find a new one. We have to create it. Create it by finding meaning and oh my gosh, how hard it is to find meaning when you are dealing with loss and pain.
With death loss, we know many experience a movement back and forth between sheer despair and trying to get on with things. It's called the "dual process model." The pendulum swings multiple times in a day. And with each swing, what we are really saying to the universe is, “How do I live now? How do I re-create that sense of comfort that there is meaning? What can I count on?”
One moment at a time. For each new meaning and connection that slowly, very slowly peeks out, is a tiny movement toward rebuilding that assumptive world. At first it will be so fleeting we’ll not even notice. And then it may come, and we send it back because it isn’t the one we want. But we will find our way.
As humans we have something going for us. I think it might be in our DNA. We have a drive to make meaning.
So, what does this mean for the workplace? How do we as leaders and colleagues support those who are dealing with loss? Likely just in moments. A moment of connection where we listen without trying to solve. In some moments, an individual will be okay. And then they won’t. But the more we make space for people to do the pendulum swing, and just sit with them, the more we are saying, “I am with you.” And can you think of a more comforting sentence than that?
PS. Many thanks to these originators of the ideas I just referenced. Please check out the links to their articles. Also special thanks to my friend and colleague @LesleyParrott who gave me the phrase "listen without trying to solve."